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Best Laid Plans

Best Laid Plans
Xander / First Season Demon (kind of)
Rated: R
(Thanks for the beta reads to Ladycat777, Spikendru and Stoney321)
Written for Jessie53067 's Xander ficathon for jedi_penguin
Pairing requested: Xander/first season demon (Inca Mummy girl, Praying Mantis, possessed hyena, your choice)
Two things you want: humor, Xander rescuing himself
Two things you don't want: Any character death. Or character bashing for that matter.
Prefered rating: PG-13 to R

Xander was dreaming. God, he hoped it was a dream. He was on stage, bright spotlight, guitar strapped over his shoulder. Okay, all good there. He looked back into the audience and spotted a black leather jacket, gleaming hair and the wide, frankly appreciative smile he’d never expected to have centered on him.


His eyes widened a little in shock and he windmilled his arm, bashing the guitar chords wildly, grinning down into the gaze that never left his. He licked his lips, running his eyes over the body he’d learned inch-by-inch and dream-by-dream. Dangerous. Hot. Buff. God, he was buff. Angel was a damn attractive man…


Xander jerked awake, the gasp of, “Angel?!” forming on his lips changing to “An-gah!” as he realized he was in a cage. A big cage, surrounded by darkness and creepy clicking noises and hadn’t he just been having martinis with Miss French, and good God, what kind of stuff was that woman into?


His fantasies of this evening, the awake, non-repressy of the Angel kind, hadn’t really gotten much further than ringing the doorbell and saying, “I’m here to help with your...‘project’, Miss French,” and then cue the bow-wow-chicka-bow-wow music and clothes flying. The who doing the how hadn’t really gotten beyond that, and definitely hadn’t involved cages and clicking and weird, oniony things hanging from the ceiling and…“Blayne!”


He had backed into the rear of the cage, keeping to the side and he jerked away now from the familiar face that poked through the bars in the next cage.


“Oh, God, oh, God,” Blayne moaned, grabbing at Xander’s jacket. “You gotta get me out of here! You gotta!”


Xander straightened, his lips quirking up a bit, despite the danger, at Blayne Mall – Mr. All-City, the ceaseless tormenter of both pre and post-pubescent Xander, who never saw a Saturday night go by without some chick kicking his gear-shift – begging for his help. The clicking noises grew louder, and Xander glanced behind him, seeing a bobbing and weaving shape moving ominously in the darkness.





“Miss French,” Blayne gasped. “Or…it was. She…she gets you, and she…”


“What?” Xander gasped back, grabbing the hand that still clutched his jacket. “What does she do?”


Blayne’s hand trembled as he answered. “She takes you out of the cage and she ties you up and she starts movin’ and throbbin’ and these eggs come shooting out of her and then…”


“What?” Xander demanded, pulling Blayne closer as the other boy started to turn away.


“She mates with you,” Blayne moaned. “She’s like…one of those things from class. A She-Mantis, or something.”


Xander blinked. “A She…”

“And that’s not the worst part,” Blayne continued, his fingers tightening on Xander’s shoulder. “You seen her teeth? Right while she's, you know, right in the middle of... I saw her do it! I don't wanna die like that!”

“Blayne! Blayne!” Xander glanced back into the darkness, lowering his voice as he turned to pat Blayne’s cheek. “Chill. It’s okay.”

“Virgins,” Blayne mumbled. “She said we had to be virgins.”

Xander backed away, attempting a smirk. “Virgins? Well, I’m not a…”

Blayne stared back at him and Xander waved his hand at the other boy. “Well, you’re not a…”

Blayne slowly nodded and Xander’s eyes widened. “What? No! What about Cheryl…and Cheryl’s college sister? And seven! You said there had been seven!”

Blayne sighed. “C’mon, man…”

Xander groaned and then closed his eyes, nodding. “All right. It’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna get out of this.”

Blayne looked up at him, hopeful. “You got a plan?”

Xander grabbed one of the bars separating their cages. “Er…just let me perfect it.” He tugged hard, feeling the metal give and then the bar was in his hand, making an opening between the cages.

Blayne’s eyes lit up. “Hey, alright, now I can get outta my cage!” He crawled through the opening and then glanced around, frowning. “Into yours. What'd you do that for?’

Xander cleared his throat. “That’s the plan.”

Blayne looked back him blankly.

Xander sighed. “Okay, she needs virgins, right?”

Blayne nodded back at him.

“So, I figure we, ah, jump the gun, so to speak, and make ourselves…non-She Mantis compatible.”

Blayne’s eyes widened and then his lip curled. “You know, Harris, I always thought you were..”

Xander jerked his hand back toward the throbbing, swaying, egg shooting bug demon that so far had continued to ignore them. “It’s me or her, buddy.”

Blayne glanced over toward the She-Mantis, who continued to single-mindedly gather eggs like the Easter hunt from hell, and then back at Xander. “No way. I pick neither.”

Xander nodded over to the headless body buried in the straw a couple of cages over. “I bet I’d look like sexual chocolate to him,” he huffed. “If he had a head, and therefore eyes, to check me out.”

Blayne swallowed hard, nodding. “I’m just not sure if I can…”

Xander nodded, waving him off. “Just think of someone else. Like Cheryl, or…just not Buffy. Or Willow,” he said firmly.

Blayne shook his head. “It’s not that. I think she, uh, put something in my drink, ‘cause…” he glanced down at his crotch, where Xander suddenly noticed an impressive All-City bulge.

Xander’s eyes widened. He’d realized the same problem, but he’d just put it down to the after effects of his Angel – er, rockin’ guitar god dream. “Okay,” he nodded. “Part One of the plan in, um, motion.”

Blayne gestured between them. “So what do we need to…I mean, how far?”

Xander shrugged. “I don’t know.” He thought for a minute. “Buffy mentioned something earlier about hormones…or pheromones. Hell, it could have been saxophones. I wasn’t really paying attention. But she said this bug lady gives them off, can sense them. So if she smells ours on each other; that should do it.”

“So can’t we just…?” Blayne made a loose fist, shaking it.

Xander rolled his eyes. “If that’s all it took, do you think she’d pick either one of us?”

“Right,” Blayne said, nodding.

Xander dropped his hands to his fly. “We better hurry,” he said. “I don’t think she’s going to leave us in here long.”

Blayne nodded, unbuttoning his own jeans and shoving them down. They both looked up, realizing that they were wearing matching Tasmanian Devil boxers.

“Well, that’s just disturbing,” Xander sighed. He fell back against the straw, nodding to Blayne. “Okay. So. Do me.”

Blayne crawled on top of him, bracing his arms on either side of Xander and propping himself up. “Now what?”

“How am I supposed to know?” Xander hissed. “Playboy wasn’t exactly the best user guide for this, you know.”

“Well, it was your plan,” Blayne whispered back. He frowned. “Shouldn’t you be, you know, on your knees?”

Xander’s eyes widened. “No! Huh-uh. We’re not doing that.” He glared at Blayne. “And why would you assume I’d be on the bottom?”

“Well if we don’t do that, won’t we still be virgins?” Blayne argued back, his arms shaking with the strain of keeping himself held away from Xander’s body.

“Well, with your logic, then I’d have to do you, too,” Xander said.

Blayne nodded. “Good point. Okay, so now what?”

“Just…you know, grind. Dry hump. Like you would with a girl.”

“Oh,” Blayne said, grinning. He dropped down against Xander, feeling the tented cloth of their boxers brush together. “This I’ve done.”

“Well, you’re one up on me,” Xander said and then groaned. “Okay, less punning, more…holy mother of God!” Blayne’s hips ground down against his again, and Xander gasped, looking up at Blayne, seeing the other boy’s eyes closed, a look of amazed pleasure on his face.

“Wow,” Xander breathed, “this is…”

“Shh,” Blayne whispered. “You’re ruining the fantasy. You’re Elizabeth Hurley…”

Xander shut up. Fine, he thought to himself. You’re Sandra, no…you’re Heather…oh, hell, you’re Angel. Surrendering to the fantasy.

A few minutes later they were scrambling back into their jeans; sweatier, stickier and certainly feeling a lot less innocent.

And just in time, as the She-Mantis began her bobbing approach, the clicking noise growing angrier as she neared the cage. Xander grabbed Blayne, pulling him back against him.

Xander watched the She-Mantis’ head rear up as she scented the pheromones brought on a wave of arousal, ejaculate and boy sweat. Her keening grew louder as her serrated claws lashed at the cage in frustration.

“That’s right, Big Bug Mama,” Xander laughed, snuggling Blayne against him. “Hey, you left two frightened, drugged teen-age boys alone in a cage. Things happen.” He shrugged, grinning with the bravado of the self-satisfied. “Best laid plans…”

She opened the cage, gesturing at him to get out. “Okay, I’m coming,” Xander said, glancing back at Blayne.

All right then, he was de-virginized…he hoped. No scary bug-mating, no shooting eggs, so…time to get his macho on. He got out of the cage, hitting her with the bar he’d torn off and making a run for it. He felt himself falling, and then awoke, tied to a chair. 

“Bro,” Blayne called from the cage. “I think it worked. But, uh, now I think we’re egg food.”

Xander closed his eyes, sighing. Yeah, great plan.

“Help! Help!” he called, giving up the idea of being the hero and just hoping someone would…

The window behind him opened and Buffy jumped through.

…do something like that.

Willow and Giles ran in and Willow rushed to untie him. He jumped to his feet, seeing the bug spray Buffy had in her hands and grabbing a can. He ran over to give backup and aimed the spray at the She-Mantis. Buffy pushed him back, and he fell against the wall, watching as Buffy immobilized the demon with sonar and then hacked it to pieces.

They gathered around, looking at the Mantis bits. “You okay?” he asked Buffy.

“Yeah,” she answered, smiling at him.

“Just for the record?” he said, glancing over at Blayne and then back to Buffy. “You were right; I’m an idiot and you…”

“Saved us,” Blayne said, looking at Xander with a slight smile.

“Yeah,” Xander said, with an answering grin.

“I'm really glad you're okay,” Willow said, nudging him. “It's so unfair how she only went after virgins.”

“What?” Xander asked, his gaze whipping to her. They weren’t supposed to know that. Or not know that, as the case might now be.

“Yes,” Giles said, nodding. “Well, you see, that's the She-Mantis' modus operandi. Uh, she only preys on the pure.”

Xander and Blayne’s glances met and then skittered away.

“My dad's a lawyer,” Blayne said, pointing a finger around at the group. “Anyone repeats this to anybody, they're gonna find themselves facing a lawsuit.” His finger jerked out toward Xander. “Anyone.”

Xander sighed, rolling his eyes. “Blayne! Shut up.”

Blayne shrugged. “Whatever.” He turned to leave, and then stopped, looking back at Xander over Giles’ shoulder. He lifted his hand to his lips, his thumb and pinky extended. Call me, he mouthed, and then walked out of the basement.

Xander turned and picked up the machete Buffy had dropped, hacking angrily at the egg sacks hanging from the ceiling. From now on, he was letting someone else do the planning. And the next time he had sex, they’d better be practically jumping him.


 Lines from BtVS Season 1, "Teacher's Pet." 
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