walk to Buffy’s, Spike and Xander managed to break up and get back together twice. The first spat involved what Xander
believed to be Spike’s residual feelings for Buffy. It was resolved when Spike hissed under his breath, “The scariest
thing I’ve ever seen here? The Slayer:
the morning after.” :::Shudder:::
was a long-winded, heavily gesticulated discussion of the merits of Dr. Who vs. classic Star Trek and managed
to entangle an enthusiastic, if not terribly well-versed, Willow and a disinterested Angel,
who used the opportunity to reiterate his argument for astronauts against cavemen.
quickly won the case for cavemen by pointing out that, without phasers or ray guns, the astronauts were virtually helpless
against the innate aggression and over-developed forearms of the Cro-Magnons, he was rewarded by a grunting, gropey snog from
Spike, which pretty much wrapped things the heck up until they reached Revello Drive.
Buffy lead them up the steps and
then paused as she fumbled for non-existent keys. She was rearing back into a full-on twin straddle kick at the front door,
when it was suddenly yanked open by a burst of shiny energy.
“Come in! Come in! Come in!”
Dawn screeched happily as she stood in the open doorway.
“Dawn,” Buffy said,
with more than a little guilty gratitude in her voice, “I didn’t even think about…” Buffy stopped,
her jaw tightening, as her sister flew past her and into Spike’s open arms.
“Spike!” Dawn cried
joyfully, so ecstatic at his resurrection that she instantly forgave his alleged attempted rape of her sister, the knowledge
he would never return her crush (if Xander’s hand on his ass was any indication) and the fact that he still owed her
two Siamese and the odd tabby.
“Will,” Spike corrected.
Willow said, turning to look at them as she entered the house.
“No,” Spike said, “Not
you, Wil. Me, Will. I don’t want to be called Spike anymore. He was just an illusion I tried to hide behind. I want
to go by Will, to symbolize the new, souled man I’ve become.”
“That’s the lamest
thing I’ve ever heard,” Angel said. “I’ve been ensouled three times, and you don’t see me going
around asking everyone to call me Liam.”
“Yeah, well, since I never
went by Spikelus, I don’t have a handy ‘evil-now’ nickname, do I?” Spike said. “I want to hear
my real name, Peaches, understand? I feel like a Will.”
too bad,” Willow said. “I mean, I empathize with the whole soul thing, but we already have a Wil.”
the same,” Spike answered. “Yours is obviously a single ‘L’ – Wil. Mine’s two ‘L’s’
– Will. Totally different.” Willow started to open her mouth to disagree and Spike said, “Oh, all right, then, we’ll
call you Wils.”
Willow wrinkled her nose and stuck out her lower lip. “That’s too Friends for words.”
eyes grew moist as he reached out to her and Willow sighed, capitulating, “Okay. Fine. You can be Will.”
Spike smiled. “Thanks, Red.”
in another corner of the crowded Summers’ foyer…
just kept popping up all day!” Dawn said, gesturing to the living room.
Buffy and Angel
walked into the sitting room and took in the living, and entirely random, tableau. Faith and Riley sat on the sofa, listlessly
playing Scrabble with Gunn and Illyria. As they watched, Gunn suddenly smacked Illyria on the back and she spat out the Q.
Gunn sighed and wiped the piece
against his jeans with a grimace. “Doesn’t matter,” Riley said. “She already ate all of the U’s.”
Oz was leaning back against the
coffee table, watching The Simpsons and half-heartedly training a crossbow on Drusilla.
Buffy started forward, and was
stopped in her tracks by the sight of Giles and Andrew walking out the kitchen with bowls of pizza rolls and Cheetos.
“Buffy!” Giles said
in shock, stumbling and sending forth a brief flurry of square pepperoni goodness. Andrew slammed into his back and immediately
took the opportunity to begin grop…er, brushing pizza crumbs from Giles’ jacket. “Stop that,” Giles
said automatically, “you’re getting me all…orange.”
“Oh, shit, B,” Faith
said, leaping to her feet. “Thank God! We were so damned bored.”
“You ‘ave a lovely
home,” Drusilla said, smiling at Buffy, as her fingers clutched a gutted Mr. Gordo. “All putrescence and,”
her face contorted in disgust, “vanilla.”
to Willow. “Can I say ‘what the fuck’ or are you getting royalties on that now?”
out from the entryway behind them. “Oh. My. God!” Dawn said, bouncing into the living room. “You guys. Xander
and Spike are totally doing it.”
Angel and Buffy looked cautiously
behind them and Dawn rolled her eyes. “Not right now. But they’re boyfriends, and they’re holding
hands and they let me watch them kiss and, oh, wow,” she said, sighing dramatically with exhaustion only to start bouncing
“Bloody hell,” Giles
I think you can do better than that, Watcher,” Spike said as he tugged Xander in to join the others. “I bet if
you try real hard and think of England you could manage a ‘bloody buggering fuck.’”
“Yes,” Angel said dryly,
“Spike and Xander have found each other, and that’s why we’ve all been transported back to Sunnydale.”
“Huh,” Oz said.
“Well, our being back here
is obviously a spell of some kind,” Giles said, moving to embrace Buffy tenderly, if only to prove he wasn’t The
“Oh, obviously,” Xander
and Spike said together, nodding patronizingly.
“Actually, it is something magical,” Willow said, grinning at the half-smile Oz gave her that managed to say, ‘I’ve
missed you, I hope you’re okay, you look thoroughly kissable and, pizza roll?’ all at once. “I did
a quick locator on the way over. It’s more than just an incantation. Whatever is causing this is using something powerful.”
“Big demon trapped in a rock?”
“I think she means a talisman
or some rot,” Spike said, smiling at Xander. “But you saved the world,
luv. Forgot about that bit. God, that white knight thing…it’s so fucking hot.”
“You saved the world, too,”
Xander reminded him softly.
“So we’re a couple
of heroes, then,” Spike said, smiling as he moved closer to slide his arms around Xander’s neck. “Savin’
the world,” he leaned forward to press a soft kiss to the corner of Xander’s mouth. “Rescuing the maiden,”
he winked at Dawn and then flicked his tongue slowly across Xander’s upper lip. “Two hot guys in leather, vanquishing
evil and turnin’ the world on with our smiles.” He leaned in, his cool lips and tongue diving into the heat of
Xander’s, melding them together into what should have been, well, tepid, but instead spiraled into a hotness that soon
had them clutching each other’s hips and grinding desperately together, filling the room with their rasping groans and
the slick sounds of leather against denim.
“You know, you’re not
the only ones who’ve saved the world.”
Spike reluctantly released Xander’s
lips, pausing to suck the bottom one in for one last nibble, before turning to find Buffy and Angel glaring at them. Hands
on hips and arms folded, respectively, in full-blown Batgirl and the Dark Avenger mode.
crossing his arms right back. “Yeah, but we’ve both done it single-handedly and without a stick up our ass ruining the outline of our metaphorical capes.”
“Good thing, too,”
Spike said, grazing a hot gaze across Xander’s leather clad ass. Buffy and Angel both started to grumble with revulsion
(although Angel’s grumble had a distinct lack of sincerity) and Spike said, “Oh, just sod off, you two, or shag
something for fuck’s…”
his rant, the breathy word crawling up the back of his neck like radioactive spiders. “No hello kiss for Mummy? Did
the naughty kitten steal all of Mummy’s kisses?” Her eyes flickered laughingly over Xander’s tight leather
flanks. “Pockets full of kisses,” she sing-songed.
Dru slid her arms around Spike’s
waist from behind, snapping her teeth at Xander over Spike’s shoulder. “Bad kitty!”
Spike gently but firmly removed
Drusilla’s hands from his waist, turning to push her back slightly. “No,” he said, bopping her on the nose
with a finger. “No more from you bleeding women.” He walked back over to Xander, reclining against him and pulling
Xander’s arms around his waist, and then smirked and slid them down to dangle right above his crotch.
“As terribly fascinating
as this all is,” Giles began tiredly…
“Giles, make them stop mauling
each other,” Buffy whined.
“Yo, G, we gotta roll up
with the wicked ass-stompin’,” Faith said. “Straight up,” she added.
“Um, Xander, um, Spike,”
Andrew said, his Cheetos trembling madly, “if you guys ever, y’know, find stuff getting too, ah, vanilla, and
you wanna call in a guest star, just…”
Giles,” Willow said.
pop as Illyria’s head titled to
the left stopped the babbling. “Are these pets of yours, Vampire?” she asked Spike. Her neck popped sharply again
as she titled toward Angel. “Do they require annihilation? Or shall I assume the Burkle persona and comfort them?”
right, enough,” Xander said, setting Spike aside, but not before swiping his tongue slowly up the vampire’s soft,
cool neck. “Giles, you work with Willow and try and figure out how many licks it’s gonna take to get to the mystical center
of this thing.”
He nodded at
the others, his hands gripping his hips, the fingers splayed out long and beautiful, drawing all eyes to the leather bulge
they framed. “Buffy, Angel, get with Faith and Riley and see if there are any weapons in the house. Um, Gunn?”
At the other man’s nod he continued, “I hear you’re good at McGyvering weapons from ordinary household objects.
Why don’t you take her,” he jerked a thumb at Illyria, “and see what you can find.”
Xander turned to the remaining
others. “Hey, Oz.” He watched as Oz tightened his finger on the crossbow trigger, keeping Drusilla in his sights.
“Stay with what’s working for you. Andrew.” The younger man bounced to his feet and all but prostrated himself
on the floor before Xander. “We’re gonna need a lot more Cheetos.”
Willow said, staring at Xander in gleeful awe. “Look at you, working the self-esteem.”
Xander grinned. “Yeah, it
just dawned on me. I’m hot, ripped, with great hair and leather pants hugging my perfect ass like a Harley seat, I’ve
helped save the world more than once and I’ve got a boyfriend who looks like sex on a stick. And I always seemed to
have the best ideas, anyway.” He nodded as Giles held up the few reference books he’d found in the house.
“And what will you two ‘heroes’
be doing?” Buffy asked, sniffing at Xander and Spike.
Xander cocked an eyebrow, briefly flashing
to ‘duh’ face. “Gettin’ in a quickie on the back porch.”