In the desert
Buffy fidgeted again
on the hard slab of sandstone she had been sitting on for the past several hours. Waiting. Watching. Bored. She smiled to
herself, remembering Giles with his magic gourd and that ridiculous dance, um, ritual he had performed. He must love her if
he was willing to sacrifice his dignity in front of her. She looked around her, seeing nothing but sand and scrub grass and
endless, endless brown. Even the mountain lion, her growly but seemingly harmless animal spirit guide, had disappeared.
She sighed softly.
Maybe she was doing this wrong. Giles had just told her to go and quest. What if she was supposed to be chanting or praying
or oh, didn’t the Native Americans use some kind of drug when they went on quests like this? Not that she thought Giles
would ever be cool with giving her drugs. Well, except that one time when the Council made him. Some Tylenol wouldn’t
be unwelcome at the moment, though.
She propped her elbows
on her knees and cupped her chin her hands. She giggled, picturing the look on Giles’ face when she had refused to leave
until he had hokey-pokeyed his way in and out of the circle. She wondered what he was doing now. Chanting? Working some mojo
to get this quest on the road? Or maybe pouring through some fifty-pound Watcher’s Diary and McGyvering tea out of twigs
and cactus flowers. She giggled again. Great, she was getting the sleepy sillies.
Sleepy. So little
sleep, lately. When was the last time she had rested? Riley. Mom. Dawn. God, longer ago than that. Angel. Faith. So many people
she had loved. Gone or going. Her eyes closed and her arms slid forward on her knees until they crossed and she could rest
her head on them. Love, love, love…
Buffy awoke suddenly,
hearing, smelling and feeling the fire before she saw it. It burned bright before her in the empty desert. And suddenly it
was dark and cold around her. How long? And the fire blazed as if it had been burning for a while. She looked into it and
saw a shadow…
Her eyes narrowed
and then widened in recognition. Her! From the dream…"I know you,” Buffy said softly as the figure moved closer
behind the fire. “You’re the First Slayer.”
The image of the First Slayer
swayed behind the fire, her gaze more direct, more human than Buffy remembered, and somehow less savage. “This is a
form,” a calm voice answered from the one who had known no language. “I
am the guide.”
Buffy stared back
at her, through the fire, realizing that this was it. The quest. And not really knowing what she was questing for. “I
have a few questions.” She paused, searching for the center, the reason behind all of this. “About being the Slayer.
What about love?” She stopped herself, wanting this…guide to understand she meant something deeper. She took a
deep breath. “Not just boyfriend love…”
The First Slayer
continued to move slowly behind the fire, peering out at Buffy from behind the flames, her face darkened by ceremonial paint,
but her eyes bright and seeing far deeper than Buffy wanted her to go. “You think you’re losing your ability to
love,” came the answer.
“I didn’t
say that,” Buffy began defensively and then realized that she was lying to a vision. “Yeah.”
“You’re
afraid that being the Slayer means losing your humanity.”
Buffy stared into
the fire, to the First Slayer, this non-human, this almost-demon that she was afraid of becoming. “Does it?” she
asked quietly.
The First Slayer,
or guide, or Higher Power or figment of too much grief and too little sleep slowed her swaying motions and locked gazes with
the Now Slayer. “You are full of love,” she answered, surprising Buffy with the joy, the peace she felt at hearing
that. “You love with all your soul. It’s brighter than the fire…blinding. That’s why you pull away
from it.”
Buffy looked from
First Slayer and into the fire, the flames. She shook her head. It was too bright. There was nothing to see, anyway. Just
red and orange and bright…blinding. “Look into it,” the First Slayer commanded. “Do not fear it. Do
not fear love. It is your greatest gift.”
Buffy looked into
the fire and then grimaced and looked away. It was too bright. And anyway, she didn’t fear love. She feared not knowing
how to love. She looked back into the fire. Red. Flames. Bright. Nothing. Red…she felt herself falling and reached out
to grab the rock she was sitting on…but there was nothing, and then…
Continued
in Just Like Heaven
Some dialogue
from BtVS "Intervention."
